To: All Al Queda Fighters
From: Bin Laden, Osama
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:
First : While it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster ... have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halaa toaster).
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the *** out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the waaaaaassuuuuuup' thing. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairymilk chocolates recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairymilk slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying
Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Oss Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SH*GS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Dave and Akbar .
Love you lots, Group Hug.
PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny any more.