How to Shower Like a Man...

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting Way Hey!! Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror. Get in shower.

Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't need one. Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower. Wash bollocks and the surrounding area. Wash arse, leaving hair on soap. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time. Partially dry off.

Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.

Put on yesterday's clothes.