Bloke goes to a brothel & says to Madame "I'm a bit kinky, how much is it for humiliation?" "£37" she replies. "£37 ???" queries the bloke, "what the hell do you get for £37?". "An England Shirt".

Oxo are introducing a new white Oxo cube with a red cross on it to support the England team. It's going to be called the laughing stock.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied "no way, you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? - A Referee !!!

What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? - Shrek can save the day !!!!!

Three hours of football and Robert Green is still England's top scorer !!!

What's the difference between a faulty jet engine and John Terry? - The jet engine eventually stops whining.

Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room - Robert Green was guarding the door !!!!

What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag? - The tea bag stays in the cup longer !!!

I'm shocked at Wayne Rooney's outburst after the Algeria game - who knew he could even string a sentence together!

The FA has launched an enquiry to find out how a fan found his way into the England player's dressing room - and another enquiry into how Jamie Carragher found his way into the dressing room!

The England team went out to visit an orphanage in Cape Town on Saturday morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Jamal Umboto (aged 6).

Some good news though - in training today, David James had 400 shots fired at him and didn't concede a single goal. Tomorrow he and Emile Hesky will train with the rest of the squad.

Fabio Capello saw a ginger kid kicking a ball up against a wall and asked if he wanted to go and play for England. The kid replied - "no, sorry - I already get bullied enough for being ginger!"

When you think about it, English political groups are like the England football squad - they are both full of overpaid dickheads who promise results they will never achieve.

What's the best thing if England went out of the world cup - half price England Mars Bars.

Rumours that John Terry was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a South African nightclub have been completely refuted by the English FA. The Chief Publicity Officer stated "I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone".