Rev. Ian Paisley dies and approaches the pearly gates.

St. Peter stops him. “You can’t get in here” says Peter.

“Why not” says Paisley. I’ve been a good Christian man all my life”

“Not according to our records. It says here you’ve been preaching hatred against Catholics and the Pope for years”

“Now, Just a minute. I haven’t done that for a long time. I’m a changed man. Why, just a few weeks ago, I was walking past a Catholic church in Belfast and I heard some beautiful music. I looked inside and these wee girls were all dressed up for their first communion. Well, I called over one of those girls and gave her a pound.”

“We don’t have any record of that here” said Peter

“And a couple of weeks later, I walked past another Catholic church and saw some boys being confirmed. I walked over to one of those boys and gave him a pound”

Again Peter looked puzzled. “We have no record of that either”

Paisley continued, “And just last week there, I saw a nun helping the homeless in downtown Belfast, so I gave that nun a pound.”

Peter said “There must be something wrong with our computer, because we don’t have any of this on file. Let me talk to the BigFellow for a moment.” 

Paisley paced up and down, waiting for the answer."

“What did He say?” said Paisley.

“He said here’s your three pound back, now fuck off”