What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
What's the best thing about a blowjob from an Ethiopian woman?
You know she'll swallow.
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?
White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time..."
Black fairy tales starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit....."
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's cock.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic!
What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years of age.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
Why do Italians wear moustaches?
So they can look like their mother.
How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest tits?
The blonde, because she's 18.
How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
What’s the difference between Mayonnaise and semen?
Mayonnaise doesn’t hit the back of a girls throat at thirty miles an hour.
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
They keep stepping on the strings.
How do you piss off a female archeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.
Why did so many blacks die in Vietnam?
When the sergeant said, "Get down!” they got up and started dancing.
Why are Women's feet shorter than men's feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
How can you tell a macho woman?
She rolls her own tampons.
Why did god give men penises?
So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won’t stop to ask directions.
What’s the difference between a paycheck and your dick ?
You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
What’s the best thing about a blow job ?
Ten minutes of silence.
How is a woman like a laxative ?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
What’s worse than a male chauvinist pig ?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
What’s it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
Marriage.
Why are hangovers better than women ?
Hangovers will go away.
What are the small bumps around a woman’s’ nipples for ?
Its Braille for “suck here”.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t ?
Her navel.
Why do men die before their wives ?
They want to.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women ?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Whats the difference between a woman with pms and a pitbull ?
Lipstick.
Why is a woman like a dog turd ?
The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
Why are women like screen doors ?
Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.
What’s a wife ?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex ?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.
What’s the most active muscle in a woman ?
The penis.
What’s the difference between a woman and a coffin ?
You come in one and go in the other.
How do you make love to a fat chick ?
Have a wank in your hand then throw it at her.
Why do women close their eyes during sex ?
They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.
What’s six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild ?
Money.
What do you call a Playboy centre-fold who’s a lesbian ?
Bitch.
Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat ?
They both feel good but you wonder who’s been there before you.
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Why did God make man first ?
He didn’t want a woman looking over his shoulder.
What do Kermit the frog and Roseanne Barrs’ husband have in common?
They both enjoy fucking pigs.
What do you call the useless piece of skin around a pussy ?
A woman.
Why was the woman crossing the road ?
Who cares! What’s she doing out of the kitchen?
How many women does it take to change a light bulb ?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What do you call a 300 pound woman ?
Fat.
Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go theytake your house and car with them.
What’s the difference between your wife and your job ?
After 5 years your job will still suck.
Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn’t breed.
Why did the army send so many women with pms to the Persian front ?
They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Why is a fat woman like a moped ?
They’re both fun to ride, but you wouldn’t want your friends to see you on either.
Why can’t you trust woman ?
How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn’t even get tired, leave alone dropping down dead !!!
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
What did the gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams everynight??
Hanson.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you,what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
Michael Jackson's hand.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What is the difference between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs,all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling
What are three words you dread the most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
They don't want to wear out the camel.
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Cough, gag, choke, etc.
What did One gay sperm say to another?
How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
How do you find a blonde in long grass?
Pleasing!
What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo!
How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
When the big hand touches the little hand...
When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
What's a Japanese girl's favourite holiday?
Erection day.
How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
The tongue's still in the envelope.
Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your wife, you can beat your eggs, and you can beat your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
Two cannibals were eating a clown and one says to the other,
"Does this taste funny to you??"
Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
The woman who can eat the last two donuts.......
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
What's the best thing about a blowjob from an Ethiopian woman?
You know she'll swallow.
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?
White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time..."
Black fairy tales starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit....."
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's cock.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic!
What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years of age.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
Why do Italians wear moustaches?
So they can look like their mother.
How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest tits?
The blonde, because she's 18.
How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
What’s the difference between Mayonnaise and semen?
Mayonnaise doesn’t hit the back of a girls throat at thirty miles an hour.
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
They keep stepping on the strings.
How do you piss off a female archeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.
Why did so many blacks die in Vietnam?
When the sergeant said, "Get down!” they got up and started dancing.
Why are Women's feet shorter than men's feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
How can you tell a macho woman?
She rolls her own tampons.
Why did god give men penises?
So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won’t stop to ask directions.
What’s the difference between a paycheck and your dick ?
You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
What’s the best thing about a blow job ?
Ten minutes of silence.
How is a woman like a laxative ?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
What’s worse than a male chauvinist pig ?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
What’s it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
Marriage.
Why are hangovers better than women ?
Hangovers will go away.
What are the small bumps around a woman’s’ nipples for ?
Its Braille for “suck here”.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t ?
Her navel.
Why do men die before their wives ?
They want to.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women ?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Whats the difference between a woman with pms and a pitbull ?
Lipstick.
Why is a woman like a dog turd ?
The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
Why are women like screen doors ?
Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.
What’s a wife ?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex ?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.
What’s the most active muscle in a woman ?
The penis.
What’s the difference between a woman and a coffin ?
You come in one and go in the other.
How do you make love to a fat chick ?
Have a wank in your hand then throw it at her.
Why do women close their eyes during sex ?
They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.
What’s six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild ?
Money.
What do you call a Playboy centre-fold who’s a lesbian ?
Bitch.
Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat ?
They both feel good but you wonder who’s been there before you.
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Why did God make man first ?
He didn’t want a woman looking over his shoulder.
What do Kermit the frog and Roseanne Barrs’ husband have in common?
They both enjoy fucking pigs.
What do you call the useless piece of skin around a pussy ?
A woman.
Why was the woman crossing the road ?
Who cares! What’s she doing out of the kitchen?
How many women does it take to change a light bulb ?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What do you call a 300 pound woman ?
Fat.
Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go theytake your house and car with them.
What’s the difference between your wife and your job ?
After 5 years your job will still suck.
Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn’t breed.
Why did the army send so many women with pms to the Persian front ?
They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Why is a fat woman like a moped ?
They’re both fun to ride, but you wouldn’t want your friends to see you on either.
Why can’t you trust woman ?
How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn’t even get tired, leave alone dropping down dead !!!
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
What did the gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams everynight??
Hanson.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you,what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
Michael Jackson's hand.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What is the difference between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs,all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling
What are three words you dread the most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
They don't want to wear out the camel.
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Cough, gag, choke, etc.
What did One gay sperm say to another?
How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
How do you find a blonde in long grass?
Pleasing!
What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo!
How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
When the big hand touches the little hand...
When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
What's a Japanese girl's favourite holiday?
Erection day.
How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
The tongue's still in the envelope.
Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your wife, you can beat your eggs, and you can beat your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
Two cannibals were eating a clown and one says to the other,
"Does this taste funny to you??"
Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
The woman who can eat the last two donuts.......